Other people help shape the way we see ourselves.
That starts early. Parents, teachers, friends, coaches and other people we respect can encourage us, challenge us and help us notice things about ourselves that we might otherwise miss.
Approval also tells us something about where we stand with people.
You did well.
I’m proud of you.
I like having you around.
You belong here.
Those things matter because relationships matter.
So wanting approval isn’t automatically a sign that something is wrong with us.
Some opinions matter more than others
We don’t care equally about everybody’s opinion.
A stranger can dislike something about us and we might barely notice.
The same response from someone we love, admire or respect can stay with us for days.
Their opinion has weight because they have weight.
We value their judgement. We care about the relationship. We want to know that things between us are okay.
That is why approval can feel so good.
And it is also why its absence can hurt.
When approval becomes something we need
That line isn’t always obvious.
Sometimes we only notice it when the approval disappears.
We start second-guessing ourselves.
We work harder to win someone back.
We avoid saying what we really think.
Or one person’s disappointment starts sounding much bigger than it actually is.
I failed becomes I am a failure.
They disagree with me becomes There must be something wrong with me.
That gives another person enormous influence over how we see ourselves.
And people aren’t consistent enough to carry that job.
Their reactions are affected by mood, tiredness, expectations, their own experiences and things that may have very little to do with us.
Even people who genuinely love us can get us wrong.
Approval and love aren’t the same thing
Someone can love us and still disagree with us.
They can care about us and still think we’ve made a bad decision.
They can be committed to us and still tell us something we don’t want to hear.
In healthy relationships, approval is not constant.
Love can be.
That distinction matters.
If I need someone to approve of me before I can feel secure in their love, then every disagreement starts carrying the threat of rejection.
Sometimes disagreement is rejection.
But sometimes it simply means somebody who cares about us thinks we’re wrong.
And sometimes they may be right.
So where does my worth come from?
The Bible begins with the claim that human value comes from God.
We are made in his image.
My worth doesn’t rise and fall every time somebody changes their mind about me.
That doesn’t mean I stop listening.
Quite the opposite.
If disagreement does not threaten my value, I may actually be freer to listen when someone challenges me.
I don’t have to defend everything I do just to prove I’m okay.
A person can have extraordinary value and still be wrong.
That is true of all of us.
God doesn’t simply approve of everything either
The Bible calls humanity’s deeper problem sin.
Sin includes the wrong things we do, but goes deeper than individual mistakes. At its centre is our desire to decide for ourselves what is ultimately right and wrong rather than allowing God to have that place.
So Christian faith doesn’t say:
You are valuable, therefore everything you do is fine.
It says something harder:
You have extraordinary value. And you still need rescuing.
Which raises an interesting question.
If God doesn’t approve of everything about us, do we have to become good enough to earn his love?
God’s love isn’t something we earn
Paul answers that pretty directly:
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
God’s love is not presented as a reward for getting everything right.
He acted while the problem was still there.
God entered our world in Jesus to restore the relationship humanity had broken.
Jesus lived the genuinely human life we were created to live — in perfect relationship with his Father and without joining humanity in its rebellion against God.
He willingly went to the cross, taking the consequence of our separation from God upon himself.
And God raised him from the dead.
The Christian message is not that God lowered his standards until we finally qualified.
It is that God acted to rescue us when we could not rescue ourselves.
Grace changes the starting point
Paul puts it another way:
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith... it is the gift of God.”
Grace means gift.
Relationship with God begins with what God has done, not with our ability to make ourselves impressive enough for him.
That doesn’t make growth unimportant.
It changes where growth begins.
We don’t change so that God will finally love us.
God’s love comes first.
And from that starting point, we can begin learning to live differently.
Perhaps approval can matter differently from there
Other people’s opinions will still matter.
They should.
Their encouragement can strengthen us. Their criticism can help us. Their disappointment can hurt.
Christian faith isn’t asking us to become immune to other people.
It gives us something deeper underneath their opinions.
If another person’s approval does not create my value, I may be able to enjoy praise without depending on it.
I may also be able to hear criticism without treating it as a verdict on who I am.
And even rejection, painful as it can be, does not have the power to make me worthless.
It is something much stronger.
He knows what is wrong with us, and still acts in love to bring us back to himself.